Memory Error
by ryka phoenix
Summary: Our favorite assassin in training get's stuck at the animus' loading screen where he meets a new ally who manages to screw everything up and then some. Did I mention that he drags two of our other favorite assassin's into the mix? DesmondxAltairxEzio
1. Chapter 1

Hello and welcome to my first ever story! Please be kind and know that flames will be ignored or possibly used to torture flamers. This story will include yaoi and butsecks, if you don't like it then please press the back button.

Disclaimer: I do not own assassin's creed or any of the character that appear in this fanfiction. If I did the game would be rated MA. I do own Artemis so please ask before using him.

Memory error

"Memory error."

"Shit."

"What about Altair's memories?"

"Already tried them figment of my imagination."

"Shut up I'm real!!"

"Sure you are, and I'm not currently stuck in the animus loading screen."

"….."

"What? That all you have to say?"

"This doesn't make sense….the data is all there why can't you dive into a memory?"

"If I knew that I wouldn't be here now would I?"

"Shut up Desmond, you sarcasticness is starting to rival Shaun's."

"So say's the figment of my imagination."

"You know what?! Fine! Sit here and see if I care!"

Desmond turned around as he heard a door slam somewhere off in the distance. "Great, just great, first I get kicked out of ezio's memories and can't get back in, then that god dam voice comes out of

freaking nowhere and just up and leaves cuz he's pmsing! Argh!!!" Desmond screamed as he pulled his hair. He took a deep breath and sat down on the loading bay floor. "I wonder where in the hell

Rebecca and Lucy are, I know Shaun could care less about me but they should be having a panic attack by now. Unless were still on our way to that cabin, but wouldn't Rebecca notice something? I

mean, the animus is her baby…but then again, the voice said that all the data looked normal….Argh! Why am I even trusting the dam voice?! For all I know, it could be a templar that remotely hacked

the animus!"

"I'm not a templar; I take offence for you even considering that." Desmond let out a girlish shriek, not that he would ever admit that it was girlish, and rolled away from a pale youth with ebony hair

who had an eyebrow raised and was staring at him. "Who the hell are you?! H-how did you get in here?" The youth sighed and stood up from his crouched position. "I think the bigger question is how

we are going to get you out of here." Desmond got into a defensive crouch and eyed the ebony haired youth. "Oh please, like I would even get close enough to you so that you could try to stab me."

Desmond stood up but was still tensioned like a spring, ready to go off if the kid showed even the slighted hint of malcontent. "Listen, I'm not a templar, I know I can't really prove it right now but your

just gunna have to trust me on this one, cuz the faster you trust me, the faster I can try to find a way to get us out of here." Desmond relaxed and crossed his arms over his chest. "Fine, I'll trust you

for now." The youth smiled and clasped their hands as they bowed. "You have nothing to worry about." Desmond surveyed the young….err…..he looked at the black hair that went to the kid's waist and

suddenly had doubts about the youth's sex. He blushed as he began trying to ask if the kid was a boy or a girl. "Um, so…..uh, do you like football?" The kid gave Desmond this look that said 'did-you-

really-just-ask-that?' "I'm a boy." Desmond turned a shade of red that put a tomato to shame. "Err right, so, how exactly did you get here?" The young boy pushed a pair of glasses further up on to his

nose. "That not important, what is important is either getting you back into one of Altair's or Ezio's memories or, waking you up, neither of which look like much of a possibility at this point." Desmond

walked over to the kid and poked him in the shoulder. "Ow! What was that for?!"

"Just making sure that you're real."

"If it wasn't for the fact that I'm sure you could kill me in seven different ways I'd hit you."

"So how do I get out of here?"

"We you moron, we."

"Wait, what do you mean we?" The boys face colored slightly as he coughed discreetly while looking in a different direction. "I, uh, I'm stuck here to." Desmond raised his hand and opened his mouth

only to stop and stare at the young man. "Shut up." "I didn't say anything." The boy turned an even darker shade of red and glared at him. "Ok, ok." The kid sighed as he pushed his glasses further up

onto his nose. "I'm gunna try to hack into the security ok? Don't touch anything and for gods' sake if you see or hear something weird tell me." The boy turned around and waved his hand, for a second

nothing happened, and as soon as Desmond was about to ask what in the hell he was doing a virtual screen appeared along with a keyboard and the boy started typing things into it. Desmond sighed

and glanced around his, hopefully, temporary prison only to see that it hadn't changed in the last five seconds.

He let his mind wander back to the memory he had been in before he had gotten kicked

out. It had been an interesting one to say the least; Leonardo had been telling Ezio about the lead that they had gotten about the monk that had stolen the apple. Ezio had listened and then asked

about catarina's children and the woman herself. Leonardo had given him, no Ezio, this look that said 'you-just-want-to-know-if-you-have-a-chance-at-getting-into-her-pants' and said that they were all

doing fine. Ezio had chuckled and had been about to say something else when Claudia screamed from somewhere outside, it was as Leonardo and Ezio had rushed to her rescue, desmond that got

kicked out of the memory and stuck in the loading lobby with the strange boy standing next to him. He walked over and studied the boy. He had black hair that ended just above his waist and was

wearing a pair of white pants and a white hoodie. The boy's eyes were rapidly zooming over the screen as his fingers typed in commands just as fast; he had the same color eyes as Altair. 'Come to

think of it, this boy looks like he could be Altair's son.' He opened his mouth to ask the kid just where he had come from when the boy shouted in triumph. "Yea! I got it!" He struck the enter key and the

loading bay wobbled and began to flash red. "Warning, desynchronization imminent, please resynchronize with current ancestor or memory will be aborted." "FUCK!!!!" The kid screamed as the virtual

screen disappeared. Desmond walked forward, grabbed the kid by his hoodie, and hauled him several inches off the ground. "What the hell did you do?!" The young man had a look of absolute terror in

his eyes as he whispered, "I don't know." He dropped the kid and began to franticly look around. He turned sharply to the left when he heard voices that sounded really familiar.

"He's-going on?"

"I don't-animus-crashing"

"What-desmond?"

"looks-stable."

"What-ppened?"

"It-like-hacked-system."

"Templers?"

"No-way more advanced- what-Templers."

"-you-get-out?"

"No-sync- low-impossible-dead."

Desmond paled as the voices continued to whirl around him. He whipped around and locked his eyes onto the boy curled up on the ground. He ran across the loading bay and snatched the kid up,

shaking him all the while. "You did this!!! I should kill you ri-"Desmond stopped mid sentence as he felt a hand wrap around his arm and force him to drop the kid. He turned around, ready to yell at who

ever had just stopped him only to see his own face. He looked at the kid to see him lying passed out in ezio's arms and turned back around to Altair. "Wha-bu-how?" That was all he managed to get

out before everything went black.

Please review!

Rykaphoenix


	2. Don't piss off the assassin chick

Chapter two

Thank you for the kind reviews! I know I said I'd bring in alty and Ezio but maybe I'll sneak in malik too, I always loved it when he would get on Altair's case about something.

Disclaimer: Once again, I don't own assassin's creed, but if I did…..let's just say that it would involve stripping assassin's.

Chapter 2

In which things are learned, and Shaun get's a broken nose

Desmond thought of himself as a good person. He had never killed anybody…..until the templars kidnapped him. He had never hurt anybody….well that was a lie, he had accidently punched some guy

in the face after said guy had groped his ass. He had never lied, wait no, he had tried to play dumb when vidic questioned him about being an assassin, like that had helped any. Hrm, uh….he had

never killed an innocent person! But right about now, he sure was tempted to, that kid had better hope that he never met him in a dark alley!

Desmond groaned, it felt like he had taken on a pack of templars and they had beaten him with tube socks filled with cold cheese, like that one time when he still lived with his parents and the other

assassin's in training told him he had to be initiated. He shivered at the memory and cried out in pain as something hit him in the face. Hard.

"What did you hit him for you asshole!?"

"I was just trying to wake him up, it's not like rubbing the snow in his face helped much."

'Ah, that explains why I'm soaked.' He thought to himself as the voices above him continued to argue.

"You still didn't have to hit him!"

"You coddle him too much."

"Coddle?! How so?!"

"The minute he looks like he's in trouble you just have to come running to the rescue."

"I do not! I simply try to stop him from dying! Which is more than you've ever done for him!"

"Please, just because I let the boy get a little scraped up doesn't mean that I want him dead."

"Yes it does! You want to be the one in the animus!"

"I….I simply think that I would be a better candidate."

"So you admit that you want him dead?"

"I never said anything of the sort! You're just putting words into my mouth!"

"Shaun! Lucy! Quit arguing! Desmond's vitals have stabilized; he appears to be waking up."

Desmond took that as his cue to sit up and open his eyes. Lucy rushed over to him with tears in her eyes and grabbed his hand. "Oh thank god you're ok desmond! We were so worried about you, I

mean after Rebecca got kicked out of the animus and you were trapped in there…." Desmond looked around and noticed that they were in a cheap hotel room. "Where are we?" Shaun, who was

leaning against a wall, answered his question. "In a small piece of shit hotel room because Miss Queen of the world here thought that we shouldn't move you anymore than necessary, apparently

riding in a van counts as unnecessary movement."

Desmond could feel the temperature drop in the room as Lucy turned to look at Shaun. She slowly stood up and walked over to Shaun, glaring the whole way. She stopped about a foot away from

him, cocked her hand back, and bitch slapped him so hard that his glasses cracked before they even hit the door next to him. "I'm not going to deal with your moodiness anymore do you hear me?! I'm

sick and tired of having to try and defend every word that comes out of my mouth simply because your "boytoy" isn't answering his phone! Now, I'm going to go sit back down, and you're going to

stand there and listen to me alright?" Lucy hissed out as Shaun stood there in a stunned silence. He nodded as Lucy walked back over to desmond and gave him a look filled with concern. "Now then,

desmond, do you remember anything about what happened while you were in the animus?"

Desmond was still in shock over the fact that she had just hit Shaun so it took him a second to register what exactly Lucy had said, and another second to process it. "Uh, yea, I was in one of ezio's

memories and suddenly got kicked out of it and back into the loading screen. I figured that maybe one of you guys had done something or needed me to go do something else but then when nobody

said anything I got worried and started trying to dive back into the memory and found out that the animus wouldn't let me. That when that damn punk started talking to me." Rebecca suddenly looked

up from some random animus part and just stared slack-jawed at him. "Someone besides us talked to you?" "Yea, he even somehow got into the animus with me and tried to get me out, not that it

really worked though, all he managed to do was make it freak out and start desynchronizing me from Ezio." Rebecca still stared at him in wonder. "I didn't think that….I mean…..how in the hell did

someone remotely hack the animus? It's not possible!" "What if someone used the "animus 1.0"?" Lucy questioned as she held Desmond's hand. 'What the? How in the hell did she grab my hand

without me noticing? Note to self, Lucy moves fast, is sneaky, and could probably take nude pictures of me…..I wonder…never mind, so not going there.' He shook his head as he turned back into the

conversation that was taking place between Lucy and Rebecca.

"-nobody knows where that old model is besides me, you, Shaun, princess, and now, Desmond." Rebecca replied as she fidgeted with a wrench. "Who's princess?" Desmond questioned as he

managed to slip his hand out of Lucy's. "Oh, he's this prodigal genius that the templars tried to kidnap, but we managed to scoop up before they had a second chance." "Second chance?" "Well, vidic

approached him privately but he turned down the offer." Shaun sighed and picked up his glasses from the floor. "He's the son of a famous software designer, and he has an IQ of over 200.

Unfortunately, he lacks a bit of common sense, so he'll sometimes do stupid things, like say, hack into the animus, notice that you were stuck and try to solve the problem himself instead of calling us

for help." Rebecca surged off of her chair and marched over to Shaun. "You think that little brat hacked my baby?!" Shaun took a step backwards and nodded. Rebecca's eyes darted around rapidly as

she considered the thought. "Well, I suppose he could, and I would much rather have him hack my baby than some filthy templar scum…..Desmond!" She cried out as she turned around.

"Did the boy in the animus get offended easily; have long hair, and a girlish figure?"

"Um, yes?"

"Did he have grey eyes?"

"Yes?"

"It was artemis then! Oooooooo!! When I get my hands on him I'm gunna ring his scrawny little neck!!!!"

Desmond blinked owlishly at Rebecca and slowly inched away from her. "Is he related to Altair also?" "No, he does look a lot like him though huh? We thought that he might be a possible candidate,

but it turned out that he isn't a descendent like you." Lucy explained as she stroked Desmond's hand with her thumb. 'How the fuck does she keep managing to hold my hand?' Desmond thought to

himself as he attempted to detach his hand from Lucy's. "Did anything else happen?" Shaun questioned as he moved towards the bathroom. "Uh….yea, I was about to sock the kid when Altair grabbed

my hand, and when I looked back at artemis and Ezio was holding him." The room was silent and Lucy's hand fell limp as she stared in amazement. "Shaun? Are you sure you didn't hit Desmond to

hard?" Shaun came out of the bathroom with a wet washcloth pressed to the side of his face.

"No, but I don't find it hard to believe that desmond saw his ancestors."

"You don't?"

"No, you see, it was probably all just a hallucination."

"A hallucination?"

"Yes, maybe desmond got kicked back to the loading screen because the memory fragment was corrupted, it's happened before, and from there he just somehow got desynchronized and here we are."

"……..did Lucy hit you too hard?"

"I'm just saying that it's a possibility…"

"Well it's not, your just in deniel like me and Rebecca."

"Oh I suppose your right,and I also suppose that the templars will suddenly just stop trying to kill us and give us all the pieces of Eden right? Because that's how everything works in your world isn't it?"

"……..your being sarcastic right?"

"Oh good job desmond! You're such a genius! You deserve a round of applause!"

Shaun began clapping his hands as Rebecca looked at Lucy. Lucy's eye was twitching as she stood up and walked over to Shaun. She looked him in the eyes as he stopped clapping. "What are you

going to do? Slap me ag-" Shaun was cut off as Lucy cocked back her fist and let it fly straight into his nose. A crunching noise echoed in the room, followed by a thud as Shaun hit the floor. "Now then,  
Rebecca? Will you please go start the car?" Rebecca nodded eyeing Shaun as she edged towards thedoor and slipped out into the descending gloom. "Now then desmond, I'm sorry to ask you this so

soon after having been kicked out of the animus but could you help me drag this jerkface down to thevan?" She asked ever so sweetly. Desmond nodded as he slowly walked over and picked up

Shaun's feet. "Make sure to try and drop him on the way there ok?"

Sorry it took me so long to update!

Ahahahaha! Poor Shaun, I love him so much but it's just too much fun to have Lucy beat the shit out of him.

Review please!

Also! I require a beta! If anyone is interested please tell me.

Ryka


	3. No! Not the toaster!

Thank you for your reviews! Sorry it took me so long school is a bitch.

Disclamer: Sadly I do not own Assassin's Creed, for if I did Altair would be able to swim and all the hot guys would be shirtless.......

Chapter Three

In which Ezio learns he's not in Florence anymore and Altair kills the toaster.

"Do you think its dead?"

"I told you she had a pulse."

"What do you mean she? "She" has an Adams apple!"

"I have seen women with them before."

"Your gay aren't you?"

"Do you want to go back out into the white frozen water?"

"……..you're mean."

"And you're going to die a painful death."

"You mean like the metal box that burned your finger?"

"……I think she's waking up."

Artemis groaned as he raised a hand and covered his eyes. 'Note to self, never, ever, EVER, try to help someone in the animus again, getting kicked out of it sucks ass.' He whimpered in pain as he sat

up and opened his eyes. Silence reigned throughout the room as artemis stared at the two master assassins standing before him. "Oh dear god I'm still stuck in the animus aren't I. No, I can't be, this

must just be bad dream, I'm gunna close my eyes and when I open them they will be gone." Artemis closed his eyes tightly as Ezio looked questioningly at Altair who shrugged in response. "Urm," Ezio

cleared his throat and artemis opened his eyes and looked at him. "What figment of my animus induced hallucination?" "Ana-whaty?" "Animus, and you know for a figment of my imagination you look a

lot like Ezio Auditore, and you look like the splitting image of Altair Ibn La-Ahad…." Artemis said as he pointed to each assassin respectively. "That's because we are. Well at least I know I am, I'm still

not sure that he's Altair." "How about I come over there and shove my-" "Hey! There's a lady present!" Artemis looked around quickly and wondered how fast he could get out of the house and up a

tree before Lucy decided that he needed to be shoved outside in the snow in his underwear again. "I told you that he's a man!" "I have never met a man with hair that long!" "Your hair is pretty long

for a male." "Everybody in Italy has long fucking hair! It's the style mister look-at-me-I-have-short-hair!" "……what's Italy?" "……oh shit….." Both assassin's turned to the smaller male who was currently

standing the in doorway to the kitchen. "What the fuck did you do to the toaster!"

With Lucy, Desmond, Rebecca, and Shaun

"Twenty-eight bottles of beer on the wall twenty-eight bottles of beer, you take one down and pass it around, twenty-seven bottles of beer on the wall. Twenty-seven bottles of beer on the wall-"

"Rebecca darling? Can you please shoot me? I'd do it myself but desmond tied my hands together, or better yet, you can just untie me and I'll shoot desmond!" An ominous thump sounded from the

back of the van and Shaun instantly shut his mouth as he eyed the rather large knife that had missed his head by an inch. "Now, now Shaun, we wouldn't want me to slip and suddenly wrap you end

of the van around a tree now would we?" "On second thought…just shoot me becca at this point it seems that it would be the least painful way to die."

Back to Altair, artemis, and Ezio

Artemis stared on in horror at the mangled piece of metal that had once been his beloved toaster. "What did it ever do to you!!?" The young boy cried out as he rushed over and scooped it up into his

arms. "I told you not to attack it." "Like hell you did." "I did! I clearly remember saying 'don't throw your knife at that.'" Altair snorted. "Yea, after I had already thrown one of my knives at it." "Yes, but

I do remember trying to stop you from throwing it into the wall." "OH DEAR GOD THAT'S LUCYS ROOM!!!" Ezio briefly glanced at artemis before looking at the large hole in the wall. "So that's why that

room smells like a woman…" Altair looked at the hole then at artemis in confusion. "What's a 'Lucy'? and why should we be worried about it?" "Last time I pissed her off she switched out all my

underwear for thongs and hid all my pants for a week." Both older men looked at artemis. "What's a 'thong?'?" Said boy turned red and stroked his toaster."Never mind, but how in the world did you

manage to make a hole that big?" Altair opened his mouth to speak but Ezio beat him to it. "If you think this is bad you should see what he did to the small box that made weird noises." 'Oh dear lord

please don't let it be the TV, I will never hear the end of it if Rebecca and Lucy don't get to watch _Bones_ every Thursday... 'Artemis let Ezio take his hand and lead him into his own bed room. "See!

Look!" Artemis stared in horror at what had once been his brand new droid cell phone. "My cell phone!!! Do you guys have any idea how much that cost me!? Or how hard it was to get it here!?!?!?"

Both assassins's stared blankly at the grey-eyed boy as he ran his hands through his hair and tried not to hyperventilate. "Ok, rule number one, you guys are not allowed to have throwing knifes,

hidden blades, short swords, smoke bombs, swords, crossbows, guns, or safety pins without supervision, ok?" "Why should we listen to you?" "Because if you don't I will lock you outside in the snow,

understand?" Both assassins are nodded warily. "Now give me all your weapons." Altair looked at Artemis like he had just requested that Altair cut off his own balls and force feed them to a templar.

Ezio on the other hand began pulling weapons out of nowhere and giving them to the long haired boy. "I refuse." Artemis sighed at the stubborn look of determination on the elder assassin's face.

"Fine, how about I let you keep the hidden blade but you have to give me everything else?" "Deal." As Altair removed his weapons Ezio looked at Artemis with puppy dog eyes. "Can I keep my hidden

blades too?" The younger boy nodded and Ezio's face lit up like someone had told him that the courtesans were half price. Artemis halfheartedly smiled and turned to look at the rather large pile of

confiscated weapons. "Ok, now that that's done, let's get you some clothes." He turned and walked out of the room and into the one right across the hall. "You guys should be able to where

Desmond's clothing until Lucy and Rebecca get you some of your own." He said as he began ripping clothes off of hangers and throwing them into a huge pile on the bed. Altair turned to look at Ezio

only to see that he was currently digging though the pile of clothes as Artemis dug some more clothes out of a dresser. "Here alty! I found something for you!" Altair's eye twitched and just as he was

getting ready to poke Ezio eye's out with his hidden blade the younger man tossed him three articles of clothing, a plain white shirt, some loose fitting jeans and a white hoodie. Ezio himself grabbed a

blood red shirt that said 'You! Out of the Gene Pool - Now!' a pair of black skinny jeans and a purple and black checkered zip-up hoodie. Altair snorted as he read the shirt while removing his clothing.

"Do you even know what that shirt means?"

"Yes! It means that you have to get out of the pool filled with jeans."

"No Ezio, that shirt means that you're too stupid to reproduce."

"You think I'm stupid arty?"

"No! Well, maybe just a little, but-"

"No, I know what you mean, you just mad cuz I called you a girl."

"I am not!"

"Are too."

"Are not!"

"Are too. "

"Are no-"

"How the fuck do I put theses on?"

Both younger men turned to see Altair with his pants around his thighs and attempting to zip his zipper.

"Santo figata, look at the size of his penis!"

"……"

"He's hung like a horse!"

"What's like a horse?"

"Your fucking foot long cock!"

"THUMP!"

Both assassins's turned to look at the young boy now laying unconscious on the floor covered in underwear and socks.

"Do you think he's dead?"

"No, he'll live, now will you help me with this damned thing?"

"No."

"Why?"

"You're bigger than me."

"You're so childish."

"……can I touch it?"

"Will you help me with the godforsaken piece of metal?"

"Yes."

"…..fine. But make it quick."

o.0 …….I is so evil…..

Please review!!!!!

Rykaphoenix


	4. What seems to be the officer problem?

I'm baaackk! Now, my mom was a dispatcher and she really had some guy trying to tell her where he was the same way the officer below does.

Disclaimer: Do I really need this? Fine, Ezio get to it!

Ezio: Ryka phoenix doesn't own me, the sexy Desmond, the grumpy Altair or any other characters from assassin's creed.

I also don't own Officer Duke, he's the property of Stephen King.

Chapter 4

In which the assassin's learn that the future isn't all it's cracked up to be, and Lucy get's pulled over.

"Hello miss, do you know why I pulled you over today?"

"Because I tried to hit a tree?"

"Uh, yes. Um…I need you license, registration and proof of insurance."

"Listen officer, I don't have my license with me but isn't there something I can do for you?"

"Miss, please pull up your shirt."

"Mump! Mmmuk! Emph!"

"Miss please step out of the vehicle."

Lucy pulled up the front of her shirt; glaring daggers at Shaun, as she threw open the door and slammed it into the young cops head. Rebecca stared in shock as the newbie's eyes rolled into the back

of his head and he crumpled to the ground. Lucy stepped out of the van and kneeled next to the fallen officer. "step away from officer Theilmatz now!" Another officer shouted stepping out of the

passers side of the car, as he pulled his gun out of its holster and pointed it at Lucy. Lucy looked up at the considerable bulk that was pointing a gun at her and lowly stood up and moved back.

"Dispatch this is 8203, we have an officer down requesting backup, over." The officer said into his mike, still pointing his gun at Lucy.

"8203 this is dispatch, where in the hell are you?"

"I'm just past junction 42."

"Where?"

"You know where the old wiatson house used to be?"

"NO! I've been here for less than two weeks I don't know where anything is!"

"Jesus Christ on a crutch, your more worthless than Bessie."

"You're comparing me to a cow?"

Lucy's eye twitched as the overweight officer continued to argue with dispatch. "Quick Lucy, let's leave before officer inbreed and his lover boy stop arguing and arrest us!" Lucy nodded and slowly

crept back into the van, gently shut the door, buckled her seatbelt and stomped on the gas pedal." Listen here you tree-hugging fag! Put duke on the pho-SHIT! STOP!" Lucy giggled as officer 8203

attempted to run after the van and failed epically. Rebecca sighed in relief as the cops faded from view and turned to look at the other passengers. "So? Did you get in?" Desmond sat up and shook his

head. "I can get to the loading bay but after that all I get is a bunch of jumbled voices till the animus voice comesand says that all memories have been temporarily suspended due to an error with the

animus 1.0 andthat the error needs to be fixed before any other memories can be accessed." Rebecca noddedthoughtfully, "well, at least it wasn't a complete failure. We now know that the templars

can't get into the animus either, the animus' are all on the same network, so if one crashes, they all crash." "Oh, makes sen-" "You stupid little cum guzzling man whore! I had everything under

control until youstarted trying to talk! I gagged you for a reason! I should let a bear anally rape you!" Rebecca grabbed Lucy and held her back while Shaun tried to make himself as small as possible.

"Lucy? Who's driving?" Lucy stopped and stared at Desmond as the car suddenly swerved to the left, almost hitting a tree before becca grabbed the wheel and semi straightened the van back out.

"Mumfh? Kupm muff kurt woof." Lucy took back the wheel, glaring at Shaun all the while. "I hope to god that artemis is having an easier time than us." Rebecca said as the van flew past a sign that

said '120 kilometers to Churchill.'

The cabin

"I think you killed him."

"It's not my fault the godforsaken 'zipper' wouldn't shut!"

"Yea but you really didn't need to overwhelm him with you dick of doom."

"…my what?"

"You know, your tally-wacker, dick, phallus, pizzle, boner, Cock, ding-a-ling, ding-dong, dong, Johnson, joystick, love muscle, male rod, manhood, member, organ, package, pecker, pee-pee, pee-wee,

penis, peter, prick, shaft, shlong, skin flute, tool , wang, wee-wee, wiener, willie, shaft, purple helmeted warrior of love-"

"How do know all these names?"

"I think the better question here is, do you want to know how I know all these names?"

"I don't want to know."

Ezio smiled and Altair inched closer to the bed wondering if he could grab one of his throwing knifes and hit the other assassin with it before Ezio figured out what he was doing. "Why am I on the floor

covered in socks and underwear?" Artemis questioned as he sat up and rubbed the back of his head. "You fainted after seeing Altair's foot long purple helmeted warrior of love." Artemis paused and

stared at Ezio.

"Purple helmeted warrior of love?"

"Yup."

"Right."

Artemis stood up and noticed that both assassins' had clothes on but all the underwear was still on the floor where he had fainted. "You know what? Screw it. I'm too young to be dealing with this

crap, if they want underwear desmond can show them how to put on underwear!" Artemis ranted as he walked back into the living room and flopped down on the couch. Ezio and Altair followed and

sat down on the couch next to artemis and stared at him. "What?" "I-" "I'm board!" Ezio exclaimed, interrupting Altair, who gave him a death glare. "What do you want me to do about it?" "Well this is

the future right? I want to do something futuristic!" "…how about go fish?" Ezio nodded rapidly while Altair just rolled his eyes.

Back in the van

"I told you that the speed limit was twenty!"

"Shut and make sure that IT doesn't fuck this one up like he did the last one."

"Fine."

"What seems to be the officer problem?"

"Mama, have you been drinking tonight?"

"Oh no! Of course not officer."

"Right, well I'm going to need your license, registration, and proof of insurance."

"Well, you see… officer duke….funny story actually, this is my boyfriends van, and my sister and I are driving to the states to visit family, and he didn't tell me where the registration was."

"Do you think that I'm really that stupid?"

"I'm guessing 'yes' is the wrong answer huh?"

"Mama, please shut off and step out of the vehi-"

"OW! HE BIT ME! HE JUST FUCKING BIT ME!"

"Oh for heaven sakes."

Rebecca threw her leg over the center console and mashed the gas pedal causing the car to leap forward with sudden lurch and nearly running over officer duke. A loud boom was heard as the rear

doors suddenly opened, depositing Shaun and desmond onto the cold unforgiving ground. "Turn around Rebecca! We lost desmond! If it was just Shaun then I could live with it, but we lost my

pooky-bear!" "Lucy you're driving, and….pooky-bear?" "Never mind, hold on to your panties!"Officer Duke stood up from where he landed on the ground and brushed the dirt off of his uniform. "Stupid

dumb blond. 'I suppose 'yes' is the wrong answer huh.' If you knew it then why did you still say it? …I'm getting to old for this shit." Duke grumbled as he walked over to the two young men lying on

the ground. "Get up. You're both under arre-….why on earth is that man tied up?" "He told the 'dumb blond' that she was being too nice." Duke held up one finger with his mouth slightly open and

paused. "I'm getting to old for this shit." The officer turned back around, got into his patrol car, and drove away right as Lucy and Rebecca pulled up. Lucy jumped out of the van and was instantly at

desmond's side. "Are you ok pooky-bear? You're not hurt are you? Where did that police officer go?" "I'm fine but Shaun broke his glasses, the officer said that he was to old of this stuff and left,

and….pooky-bear?" Lucy ignored his reply and just buried his head into her cleavage while Rebecca helped Shaun into a sitting position. "Wareka? Ah ooo uhkie tee feeth? I shink I olst ray pooth."

Rebecca gently removed the gag from Shaun's mouth and untied his feet.

"Are you ok Shaun?"

"….what do you think?"

"SHAUN! I'm going to kill you!"

Shaun paled and began to scoot backwards as fast as his bound hands allowed him. "It wasn't my fault! I didn't say anything!" Lucy stood up and was promptly tackled by Rebecca, they rolled on the

ground fighting for dominance while desmond ran over and untied Shaun's hands. "Quick! We have to help reb-" Desmond was cut off as Shaun punched him as hard as he could in the face. "That's for

tying me up!" Shaun stood over desmond breathing heavily when he was suddenly struck by the sensation that something extremely bad was about to happen. "HOW DARE YOU TOUCH MY POOKY-

BEAR!" Shaun turned around and flinched but the hit never came, he opened up one eye and found Lucy unconscious on the ground while Rebecca stood behind her with a wrench.

"Tie her up and be quick about it. Make sure to gag her cuz she's gunna be pissed."

"How pissed?"

"You know that phrase 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'?"

"Yes."

"More pissed than that."

"I hope artemis is having an easier time than us."

Back with the boys…

"I don't understand why this game is called 'go fish'."

"What's there to understand?"

"Well for one thing, it has absolutely nothing to do with fish."

"Listen, I didn't name the game that's just what it's called."

"And they couldn't find a more relevant name?"

"OH! OH! OH!...never mind…. gioco di scheda fucking stupido …"

"Perhaps we should play something that doesn't involve thinking for Ezio's sake."

"Are you calling me stupid Altair?"

"Do you want me to answer that?"

"Let's play the Wii."

"The what?"

"Just watch me and try not to break anything."

I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it! Please review! Until next we meet.

Translations:

gioco di scheda fucking stupido: stupid fucking game


	5. Wii would like to play

A/N: I'm so sorry! School's a bitch…I hope this makes up for it…

Disclaimer: I own assassin's creed! …wait…you're not talking about the video game?

Then no, I do not own assassin's creed.

Chapter 5

In which the boys learn the wonders of the Wii and there is cross-dressing.

Desmond awoke to darkness, he quickly looked around but still only saw darkness. He started to panic when he felt something slide against his eyes and realized that he was wearing a

blindfold. "What the fuck? Where am I? What's going on? The last thing I remember was untying Shaun and him punching my lights out…why am I blindfolded? Why haven't I taken my blindfold off? God

I'm such a moron…"Just as his fingertips brushed the offending object he felt something rough and course prevent his hands from coming any closer. "Well isn't that just great? I'm blindfolded and tied

up. Oh dear god, please don't let Lucy be anywhere near me." Desmond relaxed against what he guessed to be a bed before yelping as a hand ghosted up his thigh. "Non preoccupi il mio amore,

cancellerò I suoi tocchi dal vostro corpo e li sostituirò con I miei propri." A silky smooth voice purred into his ear as the hand returned this time stroking his hair. "Who-who are you?" He stuttered out as

a second hand grabbed his leg and a second mouth licked and nipped at his inner thigh. "And why am I naked?" "You know us very well Desmond." The voice answered with a thick accent as the first

hand gently tweaked his left nipple. "I-ah! I don't know anyone who would tie me to a bed a molest me!" He felt the first mouth press a kiss to his temple as the second mouth removed it's self from his

thigh and spoke. "You know all about us, you have lived our lives and experienced all that we have, but we now feel that you should repay us for all the knowledge that we have bestowed upon you."

"With your gorgeous body." The first voice added with a smirk.

Desmond shivered as the second mouth resumed its activities, but now on his other thigh and the first mouth kissed its way down to his other nipple and gently sucked. "St-stop!"

Desmond cried out as he felt a third hand wrap itself around his cock and gently begin to stroke. "Come, come now mia amore you know you want this." Desmond opened his mouth to argue but

instead let out a moan as the second mouth moved up from his thigh and gently latched on to one of his testicals. "That looks like fun…Altair! Switch me places!" "No." "But I wanna make him

feel good to!" "Then quit whining and do something." Desmond panted as Altair quit the assault on his body and argued with the other man.

"I'll show you something!" The other man shouted as he leapt away from Desmond knocking his blindfold askew in the process. Desmond blinked a few times before looking at the

two men in front of him. Ezio had managed to pin Altair's arms to the bed with his legs and was now sitting on the older assassin's chest and undoing his pants. "Get off of me you annoying

ingrate!" "Make me." Ezio taunted as he removed Altair's erection from his pants. "What the fuck is going on?" Desmond whimpered as he watched Ezio gently lick Altair's cock from head

to base and massage his balls with both hands. He blushed hard and shifted his legs trying and failing to hide his now erect penis. His cock throbbed as Altair let out a deep throaty moan. Ezio

chuckled as he swallowed the elder assassin and buried his nose into the man's coarse pubic hair. "Ezio, as much as I love fucking your face, shouldn't we be getting our payment from –oh dear

god- stop that and listen! Shouldn't we be getting our payment from Desmond?" Ezio sighed as he released Altair's cock from his mouth and removed himself from the older assassin. Altair sat

up and smacked Ezio in the back of the head before grabbing Desmond's head and crushing their lips together. Ezio opened his mouth to yell at Altair but stopped and stared instead. Altair

roughly nipped at Desmond's bottom lip and smirked as the younger assassin-in-training moaned and opened his mouth. The older man swept his tongue over everything and completely

dominated Desmond. Ezio quickly untied his leather breeches while wrapping his hand around his cock and roughly stroking it to the hot scene in front of him. Desmond whimpered as Altair's

calloused hand gripped his co-

"Desmond! There's no time to explain, just put on this wig and dress!" Desmond shot straight up and gasped for air. As he sat there panting, Rebecca threw a plastic bag filled with

clothing at him and proceeded to peer out the rear van windows nervously. He took some deep breaths and willed his erection away before looking at the woman. He furrowed his eyebrows in

confusion as he looked over what she was wearing. "Uh Rebecca? What's going on? Why are you blond and dressed up like a naughty catholic school girl? And where's Lucy and Shaun?" Rebecca

turned her head towards him as a priest and hooker suddenly ripped open the door and jumped into the back of the van.

"I managed to distract him temporally by asking where the nearest 7-11 was."

"How in the hell did that distract him?"

"You remember the guy that the officer was yelling at over the radio?"

"Yes?"

"He was the guy who stopped us."

"Oh."

"Well his name is Cletus and he's the officer that found us, unfortunately he found us before we had changed into theses costumes so I asked him where the nearest 7-11 was and he started griping

about how he didn't have a clue where anything in this town was, it was at this point that Lucy knocked him unconscious."

"…uh Shaun?"

"What desmond?"

"Why are you dressed like a hooker?"

At the cabin…

"No no no no no! Don't tilt your head back! Tilt it forward!"

"But that's just gunna make the blood run out his nose."

"Yes, but it's better to have it run out his nose then have it run down the back of his throat and have him puke blood everywhere!"

"I'm going to kill that piece of plastic!" Ezio roared as he lunged forward, knocking Altair and Artemis to the ground, and began gnawing on the Wii controller. Artemis let out a cry of rage as he tackled

Ezio and began trying to wrestle the controller away from him. "GIVE IT BACK! LUCY WILL KICK MY ASS IF SHE CAN'T DO HER YOGA!" Artemis screamed as the taller man sat on him. "No! Questo sin

contro la natura deve morire!" Ezio screamed in reply as he threw the controller at the nearest wall. Artemis stared in horror as the controller flew across the room, ricocheted off the wall and pegged

Ezio in the forehead. "Ezio: 0, strange object: 2." Artemis couldn't help but erupt into a fit of giggles as Ezio stared in utter shock at the innocent piece of plastic lying on the floor next to the shorter

boys head. "Can you get off of me sometime today so we can play the Wii Ezio?" Ezio slowly nodded as he carefully stood and backed away from the controller. Altair snorted in amusement and helped

Artemis up off the floor. Artemis walked over to the coffee table, which had been pushed out of the way to give them more room, grabbed several Kleenex out of the box, and walked back over to Ezio.

"Here," he said as he gave the older boy the Kleenex. "Put these under your nose, they'll help stop the bleeding." Ezio nodded, increasing the blood flow from his nose, and took the Kleenex. "Now that

our dumbass is taken care of can we play this thing? I'm quite curious as to how it works." "Sure." Artemis answered as he picked up the controller that had given Ezio so much trouble and placed the

strap around his wrist. "I told you that you would need the strap, this way if I accidently let go of the controller it won't hit me in the face." Ezio nodded with a pout on his face and just continued to

glare at the troublesome object.

"So I simply wave my arms around like this and the pictures on the television screen move?"

"Sorta, you have to hold the controller like this though."

"Like this?"

"No it's backwards. Like this."

"…ok."

"Alright, now what do you want to play?"

"….I have never heard of any of these things….what on earth is bowling? Does it require a bowl?"

"Errrr no, let's just try boxing ok?"

"Fine."

"We'll need the nunchuck for this, let me grab them."

"Nunchuck?"

"It hooks into the controller."

"What does it do?"

"Um, just watch." Artemis hooked up the nunchuck's and turned back to the TV to start the game.

"The object of the game is to knock out your opponent's character."

"How do I do that?"

"When you punch with the controller you character on the TV punches to…..like that see?"

"…..like that?"

"Yea! And if you go like this your character can block or doge attacks."

"Alright, when do we begin?"

"Let me start the game, don't worry, I'll go easy on you." Artemis told him with a wink.

"3….2….1…Begin!"

"…..10…..9….8….7….6….5….4….3….2….1….knockout!"

"…did I win?"

"How in the hell do you knock me out with one punch?"

"I suppose I'm just that good."

"I demand a rematch!"

"Don't worry Artemis, I'll go easy on you."

Back with the others...

"How the hell do you sit in this thing?"

"You just have to angle you legs like this…..see?"

"Like this?"

"…why in the hell are you wearing women's underwear?"

Desmond slammed his legs shut as the chief of police walked into the room and sat down heavily in his chair. Shaun shifted uncomfortably in his leather skirt while Lucy fiddled nervously with her

collar. The chief of police, or chief wood as the plaque declared, leaned back in his chair and sighed. "My name's Chief Wood-" He paused when Rebecca snickered quietly and waited for her to stop

before continuing.

"Now, I've read the report you filled out with Officer Duke but I would like to hear the story from you four personally if that's alright?"

"That's fine Chief Wood, as long as we get our van back we don't mind telling the story again." Lucy replied with a smile as she peered out from behind a pair of thick horn-rimmed glasses.

"Well then ladies, please, start at the beginning."

"Well you see, it all started this crazy blond chick jumped out in front of our van while we were heading to the store."

"You go to the store dressed in your Sunday best?"

"I had just gotten done doing a baptism and Julia needed tampons and fast so I didn't have time to change and I'm the only one here who can drive. "

"Ah, so the crazy blond jumped out in front your van?"

"Yes, and then she pulled out a gun and stole our van."

"…..how long ago did this happen miss….?"

"Anita, Anita dick."

"Urm, miss dick."

"About two days ago."

The chief ran a hand through his dark hair as he hit the intercom on his desk.

"Cletus?"

"Yea morning?"

"Its chief wood to you cletus, don't make me tell momma on you again."

"Fine you big baby, what do you need chief wood?"

"The story checks out, I need you and duke to go get these nice ladies their car alright? Or is that too hard for your little brain to comprehend?"

"Go fuck yourself morning!"

"I'm telling momma!"

Rebecca glanced at Shaun who looked like he was about to start bashing his head against the wall and cleared her throat to get the chief's attention.

"Um sir?"

"You do that you tree-huggin, baby-rapin, pig-fuc-…..just go get the car Cletus."

The chief let go of the intercom button before cletus could make a reply and turned to the ladies. "It'll be about 20 minutes ladies, if you would like to you can wait in the lobby; I gotta go on a donut run

so I'll be back." As they waited in the lobby of the police station Desmond started to giggle.

"What in good heavens do you think is so funny?" Shaun questioned.

"The chief of police."

"What about him?"

"His name's Morning Wood."

"…."

Shaun simply shook his head and Rebecca contemplated bashing it into the wall. "I must have been Hitler in a past live for god to hate me this much." Shaun moaned as he slid further into his seat. "Na,

god just doesn't like you." Lucy replied with a smile as she threaded her fingers through desmond's wig.

"Desmond?"

"Yea Rebecca?"

"Why are you wearing woman's underwear?"

Once again I apologize for the wait, and I hope you enjoyed the taste of what's to come.

Please review!

Translations:

"Non preoccupi il mio amore, cancellerò I suoi tocchi dal vostro corpo e li sostituirò con I miei propri"

Do not worry my love, I will erase her touches from your body and replace them with my own.

"No! Questo sin contro la natura deve morire!"

"No! This sin against nature needs to die!"


End file.
